day 43 - 6

 Im currently running at about 6 out of 10.  Which is better than last week when I was in danger of falling below 5.  I usually maintain about a 7.5.  Which is perfectly acceptable but obviously could be better.

A few years ago I adopted this scoring system with a friend of mine who was going through a mental health crisis.  I didnt want to keep asking how he was. But I really did want to keep asking how he was.  So in order to have a shorthand which didnt involve any need to explain we would just send each other a score every now and then.  At that point he was only managing a 4 at best.  When he got down to 2 I started shouting about getting to the doctor and started checking in every day.  

Id like to be a constant 9 or 10 obviously. But having spent quite a long time hovering around a 2 or 3 Im now happy enough to be cruising at a content but not wildly euphoric 7.  With the help of the pills. 

There is so much focus on mental health these days and I sometimes wonder if its really terribly helpful. It makes us focus on ourselves rather than others,  It can tangle us up in our thoughts and send us into a tailspin of negative introspection.  But then again, its really hard to 'think yourself' out of a low.  The things that help me are most definitely 1) enough sleep  2) avoiding the people who wind me up 3) saying no to unnecessary stuff 4) time on my own - preferably on a beach.  You need to work out what works for you and do those things as soon as you start to feel your 8 or 9 heading down the scale.

The other thing that helps is to be honest when someone asks you how you are.  We are all very good at saying 'fine' when we arent.  Even Jesus asked for help from His mates when He was at His lowest ebb. 

' Hey guys please could you come with me whilst I pray, Im really struggling here.'  (“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.”)  Ive never really pondered this sentence  before.  But was Jesus saying ' Im suicidal'  ?  Overwhelmed to the point of death seems to indicate a completely broken state of mind.  He can't take it any more.  He is at the end of Himself.  Death would be a welcome release right now.    I find this immensely comforting.  Jesus knows how it feels to be at rock bottom.  He understands when we are plummeting towards ground zero.  If He asked for support from his friends then surely we should be doing the same.  Sometimes its easier to ask for help from complete strangers rather than our close friends but whoever we ask, we should be asking.  Its hard, but thats what the enemy is banking on.  And if Jesus asked God for an escape route then I dont think its unreasonable that we do the same.  God said no to Jesus for obvious reasons, but that doesnt mean He will say no to us.  Its OK to plead for respite and release.

So today as I feel myself somewhat deflated ( although after writing this I actually feel a bit better - go figure! ) I shall have a nap and try to get to the beach. I'll put on my most uplifting music in the car.  (which at the moment is this  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzqTsWumkKk) And maybe I'll ask someone to pray for me. 😀 Thanks.